It could be worse....?

I have struggled for a loooooong time with self worth. I have struggled with self identity, self hate, and suicidal thoughts. And the truth is....I still do. I still look at myself and wish that it wasn't me looking back. I still have times when I wonder what it would be like to be that thinner more attractive version of myself that I have never seen. But the thing that pulls me back from the edge, the thing that makes me keep going, that thing is the thing that I never knew what I wanted. I never wanted to get married and I was told long ago that I probably wouldn't be able to have children. I was fine with that. Until I wasn't. People say that if you live a healthy life style, eat GMO free, vegetarian/vegan diets free from harsh growth hormones that your body will be better. I was a vegetarian through ALL of the important puberty years and it changes nothing. It didn't matter what I ate or didn't eat, I would still have a reproductive system that feels like it has been through a blender. So much damage and so much pain, physically and emotionally, because I am not able to do what I should be able to do; have a child of my own. I know that I have a great life, a wonderful husband and step daughter that is like my own but I can't help but feel like I am missing that one  part. I do not get to be mom, I do not get a mother's day. I know that this is suppose to be about getting healthy and being the best you that you can be. But being the best version of yourself also includes that emotional and psychological side. I struggle daily with this. I have seen it so prevalent lately. So many other women in the same situation that I am in, struggling so hard to understand why I can't have a child and why these other women who do not need children just keep popping them out. It is hard to look at women like that and not think about how unfair it is. I just keep pushing through. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and nothing has changes. Now here I am, over 30 and still struggling with this issue.  People keep telling me "it will happen when it's meant to happen" and it makes me angry to hear that! I am so tired of having to hold back how I feel about this issue. It hurts, it is exhausting, and I hate every minute of it. But what more can I do??? I guess, just keep pushing, just keep being the best me that I can be, but right now, I am just too tired to try and inspire anyone.

Life Goes On

It has been so long since I have updated. Things have been so very crazy lately. I am still chucking along with this journey. We are still softballin' it up. Life has also gotten in the way. I had to give up two of my precious fur babies because I just did not have the time to care for them with working and everything else. My little baby Snoop found a good home with a loving family. And my little Doby went to live with a lady that has other dogs for him to play with. It took so much time for me to find them a proper home with people that I found suitable for their personality. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Those were more than just pets, they were my children. I have been informed by doctors that it is next to impossible for me to carry a pregnancy full term so I turned to raising little pups. Having to give them up just made me feel like a failure; as a pet owner and as a woman. My husband tries to console me but it really doesn't help. I don't tell him that, but it is just hard to watch these women all around me who shouldn't be having children get pregnant on accident and I can't even do it on purpose. So, I focus on my health. I channel all of that energy into making myself better because what else can I do? That is why I do the job that I do, because I need to feel like I am capable of making a difference. I don't do it for the glory, I do it because sometimes you just don't know what people are feeling and there are times that they just need someone to be there, silently listening. That's what I focus on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. But I keep chucking along. I try to inspire some one, I try to be the best me that I can possibly be. Sometimes, that's all a person has....

Well then...

    I have been so busy this week that I didn't even get to post on Monday! Anyway, here is a short update: I had my end of month weigh in and I am proud to say that I have lost 9.4lbs on the Cize program! I know it may not seem like much to some people but that is a great deal of weight to lose in a month! I am hoping to keep up this trend this month, although, this month has not started out so well. I am determined  to get back on track this week though! I am also going to be running another free 7 Day Clean Eating Challenge!!! I hope that people will want to get in on this. It is a great way get your body ready to transition into a longer program. Anyway, I am proud of myself for this small accomplishment. I wish I could say that I had the same amount of success with my Beachbody business, however, it has not picked up at all. I have not signed a single paying customer, but I do have 3 free customers right now. So I guess that's a start. I just want to be able to help people be healthy and be on the same journey with them. It is possible to achieve your goals if you are willing to work for it. I have been contacted by individuals selling itWorks and Advocare that tried to get me on board. I just do not think that hand fulls of pills and shrink wrap are the way to go. It is all about a lifestyle change and that is what I am trying to promote. You don't have to be a fitness expert to be healthy, just choose to make a change. If you need help along that journey, feel free to contact me and I will do everything I can to help you! I am not trying to sell you anything at all! I just want everyone to have the chance to make a change and know that someone is always routing for you!  Just remember, be the best you that you can be and go inspire someone!

Is it all downhill from here?

  In the past few weeks, I have lost 10lbs from my new lifestyle change. It hasn't gotten easier, it is not more fun, and it is not something I really look forward to. I do it because I want to be healthier, I want to be able to get out in the yard with the dogs and my child and play. That is what makes it worth while for me. I am having a great amount of difficulty with the whole Beachbody business. I can't seem to get people interested. I know that it has a great deal to do with the fact that I am not the kind of coach people imagine working with because I am still at the beginning of this journey and my body certainly does not match my ambition.  But surely, someone wants to hear what I have to say and learn from me right? Isn't it suppose to get easier? People always say that it's all downhill from here, but is that reality?
   I am still enthralled with my You are a Badass book. I am learning so much about myself from the passages I read each day. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone and pushing myself further than I have before, yet no one still seems to notice the effort that I put in. I feel like I am inspiring NO ONE to be better, to want more for themselves. I know that it takes time, but I feel like I am never going to find my stride and all of this will be for nothing. I want to help people. Hell, that is why I became a nurse. Still, all people see when they look at me is a fatty struggling to make it. It is hard. I never thought that I cared what others thought of me, but the truth is, I do. All of us do, really. I mean, if you are really honest with yourself, you know that other people's opinions of you affect your choices. I know that eventually it will get easier. People will start to see the difference I am making in myself, but for now, it is all uphill, carrying pockets full of rocks and a ruck sack on my back. I just have to remember that I need to be the best me that I can be and eventually, it will inspire someone...I hope.

Nutrition is Key!

    When you start any kind of nutritional program, you have to know your body for it to work. You have to know what foods your body can tolerate and what foods that your body needs to function. I am not a nutritionist. I had a semester of Nutrition in nursing school, but that does not make me an expert. What I do know, and what has been drilled in to every single one of us for as long as we can remember, is proper portion control. All of our bodies are different; different shapes, different sizes, different genes. We have to know how to eat for our own specific body type, yes, but portion control is used for everyone. I will be starting the 21 Day Summer Slimdown challenge in May. It is all about proper nutrition and portion control. That is the basis for every Beachbody program that I have participated in. This is not about dieting and deprivation. If you do that, your body is going to continue to crave those nutrients that you are not giving it and you will never be satisfied no matter what you eat. You can have your sweet and salty snacks, in moderation. I know it is hard to let go of those bad habits (like eating a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting) but being able to overcome those type of obstacles will help you achieve your goal. I really do think that the 21 Day Fix program from Beachbody is the best program to begin with. It gives you what you need in order to teach you portion control. It does not just give you a list of menu items and say "here, only eat this forever". You get your portion control containers, you get a caloric range (not just 1500/day but a range of 1500-1799) according to your body's needs, and you get a list of food that each container corresponds to. The program teaches about complex and simple carbs, proteins, veggies that can be carbs, etc. It is an educational program. You learn how to be healthy. Then, once you get the hang of it, it just becomes habit! I am so excited for this challenge to start! If anyone else in interested in joining me on this journey, just let me know. I think any one wanting to learn about nutrition will enjoy this program. You always have to remember, it is not about dieting; it is about changing your lifestyle and making better, healthier choices. It starts small and grows into a change. There is nothing worse than a grumpy person who is always dieting yet always hungry. I am not here to sell you a diet program, I am here telling you about a program that can lead to a change for the better. It's not about pills; it is about good, old fashioned nutrition and exercise. Anyone can do it. Just remember, be the best you that you can be and you will always inspire someone!

Am I a Badass??

     So, I have recently started reading this book suggested to me by a (vegan/cf) friend. It is called You are a Badass, and basically it is a personal development book that encourages the reader to be the best you that you can be. We all know that this is my motto here. I am trying to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. I just want to say, I love this book! The author doesn't sugar-coat anything, and we seem to be in the same mind set when it comes to accomplishing things. Nothing is ever going to just fall in your lap. If you really  want something, you have to really  work for it. One of my favorite quotes from the book so far is "You're gonna have to push past your fears, fail over and over again and make a habit of doing things you're not so comfy doing". That really hit home for me. I have so much fear of failure that I steer away from most situations because I know that I will be uncomfortable being myself (especially social situations). And it is not about my weight (mostly); it is about being afraid of people looking at me and saying "how could YOU ever be an inspiration, look at yourself". It has always been hard for me to think of myself as any more than I already am. I do not feel that I am really good at anything, although people tell me all the time that I am. I am not saying this for sympathy or the "oh you are good at so many things". I am saying this because I believe it to be true. We all have measured ourselves up against the world for so long that our own sense of self has just vanished. We have been told over and over again that, because of our size, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, that we can't do or be what ever it is that we truly want to be. There is so much I wanted to do with my life that I felt would never be possible because the world has held me back by selling me the idea that, because I am a plus size woman, no one will ever take me seriously. I could never inspire anyone to choose a healthy lifestyle. Who would look at me and say, "she definitely knows what she is talking about when it comes to health"? But I have come to the realization that my attitude toward myself should have nothing to do with what the world is telling me. This book has made me realize "Most people are living in an illusion based on someone else's beliefs" and THAT is what holds us back. Who cares what the world says I should be or do as a plus size woman?!?!? There is so much out there to do and learn; the fact that I am plus size should not factor into that equation at all. Last week, I was having such a hard time with sticking to my routine because I just knew that it didn't matter what I did, I was still going to fail just like I always do. I want to tell you, that is not true. The only reason you will ever fail at anything is because you have convinced yourself that you will. We are responsible for our own outcomes. Hard work will be involved and you may not feel like you can do it everyday, but one step at a time is all it takes to start a change. You just need 21 days to start a habit. 3 weeks of your life to change your life. It's not about pills or magic shakes, it is about changing from the inside out. There may be emotional issues that you struggle with. Before you can start to change the outside, you have to deal with what is going on inside. I am no expert, but I can be there for any of you. If you need that support, reach out to me. I can offer you an ear. The moment that you decide to make a change, that is the moment that YOU ARE A BADASS! It is always about just one thing: being the best you that you can be, So do that for yourself and only for yourself! Then, go inspire someone!

**I really do recommend this book. You can purchase it here**

Bibliography
   Sincero, Jen. You Are a Bad Ass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. Print.

Fat and Happy??

This week there was a "news" story about Fitness Trainer Michelle Bridges saying that she had "yet to have met someone who is morbidly obese and happy." Could this be true??? Are all fat people sad lumps who sit on the couch and eat their feelings?? It has to be because Michelle Bridges is an expert in behavioral psychology, right?? (she definitely is not BTW). NOPE! She is a fitness trainer, she makes her money putting the idea into people's heads that the only way to be happy is to be thin. That is just not true. I am fat. I am happy with my life, I am happy with my family, I am happy with my job, I am happy with myself. Could I be in better health? Well, yes, of course I could, but the size of my thighs does not determine my happiness. Now for some people, there are body dysmorphic issues. That is a psychological issue that stems from something more than just body image. And Michelle Bridges is NOT qualified to comment on those sorts of things. Being fat does not mean you are depressed or sad all the time. There could be someone who is just as unhappy with an optimal BMI of 21.5!! Why is everything always so focused on how BIG or small someone is? Why can't it be about health. Most people already know that the BMI chart is not very realistic. You could be classified as obese by the chart just for having an athletic body type, because the BMI does not take into consideration other things. In fact, according to the CDC and other qualified individuals, BMI doesn’t take body composition into consideration. This means that 200-pound six-foot tall athlete who is mostly muscle shares the same BMI with a 200-pound six-foot tall couch potato who has a high body fat percentage. Although it can be helpful when it comes to non-athletes, it’s easy to see how that can break down. “BMI is flawed because it’s not an actual measure of health,” says Jeff Hunger, from the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “It’s a pretty poor proxy for actual clinical indicators of health.” (Rex, The problem with BMI, 2016). The CDC also recognizes the flaws in BMI calculations. They have published this statement on the CDC website: “Athletes may have a high BMI because of increased muscularity rather than increased body fatness. In general, a person who has a high BMI is likely to have body fatness and would be considered to be overweight or obese, but this may not apply to athletes.” So who is more qualified to make statements on obesity?? Maybe Michelle Bridges should get out more, get educated, and, maybe, eat a sandwich. She is probably being so snarky because she is hungry! There is much more to life than focusing on how you look in a bathing suit. Why not focus on those things. And even if you are unhappy with your body, you can workout, change your eating habits, and drink more water. The weight will take care of itself if you put in the work to make a lifestyle change. But do it for you, not because some over exalted celebrity trainer says you can't be happy because you are fat! Take it from me, I have been on both sides of the weight battle. I was no happier skinny than I am now. The only difference now is that I want to be healthy for me. It is not about making everyone else around me want to desire me, it's about being healthy enough to play with my kid. Michelle Bridges, you, ma'am are a BULLY! Just remember, be the best you that you can be, and then you WILL inspire some one!